“I forgive you.”

 I had to grow up extremely fast and become an adult at a very young age because I had a responsibility to take care of my younger brothers and sisters. I would do a lot of cooking, and sometimes we didn't have enough food in the fridge, or the food was limited. But whatever was in that kitchen and whatever was in that refrigerator, I was able to make something out of nothing, something good for my siblings to eat. I would have to get them all cleaned up and ready for school in the mornings, and then walk 'em to school. I made sure that they did their homework, made sure everybody had their chores done, all of that. 

Eventually, down the road as I got older, I started to notice how much hate was ruining my life and how embedded it was in me. Intrinsically, I forgave Alesia. I forgave my mom at the age of 23 years old, and I started to try to create a bond with her. You know, we're not born evil, and we're not born with hate or bad intentions - we are actually innocent. And so, in my head, it comes down to nature vs. nurture and knowing that her upbringing was pretty brutal as well, I kind of understood where she was coming from. All she knew was abuse, her mom was basically how I describe my mom, and drugs played a huge part of it. I understand my mom has a mental disorder, and I don't think she’s only Bipolar. I believe she has other mental disorders, but I just don't know the extent of it. Deep down inside, I knew. How can a mom treat her own child this way? So, that's what gave me the strength to forgive and try to clean the slate off. I think it's in the light of human nature that all humans want to possess love, peace, freedom, a sense of community and just to be wanted. So that's what really gave me the strength to try and reconcile the relationship.

What kicked off the start of our relationship was this one time when I was thrown into jail, and usually, when that happens, the rule is that you just gotta do the time and leave the homies out of it.  Well, this time I was bailed out, and it was my mom waiting to pick me up. I couldn’t fathom what was going on. I was shocked  that she did that for me and I instantly felt indebted to her for giving me my freedom back. When your basic needs are stripped away, you truly understand what the word “Liberty” means. It gives you a whole different perspective on life, so I felt connected and attached to her. That was her way of showing me her loyalty and trust, and I am huge on those two things. That opened the door to this new-found relationship and, unfortunately, the way we reconciled was through the common interest in drugs and criminality. We would smoke and do drugs together, and I would actually push and sling her meth that she would then sell in and around the neighborhood and that’s how we intertwined our relationship. 

I became her personal enforcer. Being a white girl pushing weight, it’s very easy for people to take advantage of you. I’d get calls from her anywhere between five to ten times a day or a few times a week, where I would have to find her and “rescue her.” There was this one incident that occurred where my mom called me screaming that she had locked herself in a bathroom because a handful of gang members were trying to rob her. I grabbed multiple weapons, and I got there within five minutes. I laid out the rules, and they knew I wasn’t playing and never messed with her again. But to see the look of terror in my mom’s face, followed by the relief when she seen me, it was just validation that she needed me in her life. I don’t know what a healthy mother and son connection looks like, but I would be happy to rescue her over and over, because in my mind I'm blessed and bestowed to be forming this relationship with her, and it was my way of showing her my loyalty back. 

The last time we spoke she was still in and out of the streets. She usually bounces around from house to house, but periodically she’ll return to my dad, and he will always let her in. Of course, he doesn’t want her out there, and if she can be safe at home, then what more can we ask for? But, she only ever stays for a week or two before disappearing again.